i am listening to King Crimson's Discipline it is 1 pm on a friday it is cold in the shade but warm in the sun. i am walking down main street of santa monica i never used to be here but my house has burnt down now and this will be my neighborhood from now on. when i am in a new place i look at everything and judge i love judging i think that many people do not judge anything so it makes me feel more observant and thus superior.
of course thinking in such a way causes me to feel guilt and the cycle repeats but that is a topic for another time. i look at the people and the storefronts because i always look at those things even when i have seen them a million times. there are far more people than there used to be in the palisades it is much louder and dirtier and there is less greenery.
my new apartment is by the beach but it is too wide and too tall it is a wall that separates the beautiful views from the rest of main street. i liked my old house you could see the beach from the sides i know that my house has been gone for a long time no it has been two months is that a long time i don't know it feels harder to quantify time every day. i write in run on sentences i do not usually do this i just want to keep talking without worrying i do too much worrying lately.
i am listening to King Crimson's Discipline i did not think it was a good album but my friend said he would touch me for thinking so. so i decided to relisten and it is actually quite good. i don't think i will add any songs besides matte kudasai to any playlists but as an album it is a very good listen. i am listening as i walk down the street i am looking at the people they look nothing like the people in the Palisades but of course here is not the Palisades and I should stop grieving.
i have my book with me it is the fifth book of the Ningen series of light novels i quite like the series it is a spinoff of Zaregoto which i like slightly less but i will talk about Zaregoto some other day it is important to me because it brought me to my friends. one of those friends I respect her more than she probably knows she might be reading this but she is very interesting to me she is a genius but she does not want to be i understand but i cannot help but wish i was a genius. i am above average i think maybe but i am only above average enough for people to expect things of me but i cannot exceed those expectations i often fall below them.
i pass by a place called mud/wtr i think mud/wtr what a strange name let me see what is inside. i go in there is a small folding sign by the door explaining the shop it says the full name of the shop is mud water and they sell special "coffee" made from cordyceps mushrooms instead of with caffeine. they claim that unlike coffee it will give you energy without existential dread and jitters i think to myself that if i already have both of those without coffee i have no need for their drink but i peruse the menu anyways. i can rather easily tell the prices of the merchandise before i read even a single word the typeface is small and neat and it is printed on black chalkboard it must be for rich people. a muddy chai does not sound very appetizing but it is $6 for 12 ounces and i give up on the thought of trying some i would rather spend that much money on boba. then i remember that boba is $8 now and i consider killing myself.
an employee asks me what i would like to order i say i am still looking she says ok i continue to read the names of the items and what they contain. a dirty matcha does not sound appetizing either why are they named like this? to gain a better understanding i look at the clientele. they have so much money it is practically oozing through their skin i can tell. when i say i can usually tell how much money a person has based off very little information no one believes me but i know i look at people a lot like this man here he is trying to look like an average man with sweatpants a beanie and a hoodie but i can tell he makes at least $100,000 a year his beard is perfectly trimmed and his clothes are lacking in any kind of wear or tear it as as though they came right off the sears catalog wait no one uses those anymore. i've never even seen one of those why do i say so. ok they look like he just bought them from armani exchange. the inside of the place is big very big too big there is a meeting room and spa deeper in the back why is there a spa in a cafe. then i look back at the menu and i come to an understanding
these people understand what it is like to be special this is not a cafe it is a shelter. a man covered in tattoos sips an $8 16 ounce cup looking at a shiny macbook air he must be doing big business. the dirty matcha the muddy chai the man in the hoodie and the tattooed man are talking they must be friends yes i get it the outside world is dirty the menu items are dirty here you can be rich in peace and consume only as much dirt as you like. the dirt and mushrooms are aesthetic this is a high class place gated by the fact that no one wants to pay $6 for mushroom drink. just to confirm my suspicions i attempt to walk into the seating area and sit down the employee says sir that is reserved for customers only. of course i am not rich enough to pay $6 for mushroom drink so i say sorry and leave. as i leave i notice on the back of the folding sign is a message begging me not to leave because their drink has medicinal benefits and it pisses me off.
i am not supposed to be here i know this do not act like you want me to stay. i am sorry i don't have enough money to join your club i know that there are QR codes on your table inviting customers to join Jorp Beebo's Skin Care: How I Cleaned My Pores With The Poronga Mushroom online Zoom session and i really don't have the money for Poronga. i do not have any money at all anymore well that is a lie but it is also not i have lots more money than the average teen but it comes at the cost of all my possessions and i cannot spend it on anything stupid. money is all i think about i think about it so much it makes my head hurt. i look at my shoes they were bought and made with MONEY the food on that table is MONEY the ground under my feet is MONEY that tree is only allowed to exist by the lack of MONEY if i want to love someone i must consider MONEY if i had more MONEY more people would love me i have to make sure I marry a girl with MONEY school requires MONEY my parents do not want to talk about MONEY.
to be honest i think things sometimes that i do not want to think but they come into my head anyways like this time i imagined simply killing that employee what if i simply crushed her head against the marble countertop it is not a pleasant thought i rarely have pleasant thoughts i wish i had more. i wish no harm upon that woman she didn't do anything wrong there is just something wrong with me i only really think about my friends money sex and violence in that order.
as i walk out i notice the astroturf under my feet turning into the concrete my vision blurs and for a moment i see the Palisades yes where the grass of the village turned into concrete for just a moment as you walk past blue ribbon sushi. i loved the Palisades people teased me for living there because everyone who lives in the Palisades has MONEY. i do not really have very much MONEY my parents do but having rich parents does not guarantee that they will give you lots of money.
in the end i went home i'm going to watch Ave Mujica episode 1 i hear it is good thank you for listening to me i will talk better next time and hopefully about more important topics i love all of you bye bye
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